The day I almost joined the band

Sixth Grade

My first few weeks of middle school

Looking back, I think everyone must have felt a little awkward and out of place at that stage in their life.

Hormones, mood swings, growth spurts, acne, etc.

I was one of those kids that grew out before I grew up.

So i was robustly round throughout most of middle school.

Everything was round

I had some huge chubby cheeks, a belly, and I shopped for jeans said husky on the tag

My mother told me they were for strong boys

I bought it

A few weeks into middle school, after all the smelly kids came back from the gym

They would have people come talk to us each day about opportunities we would have

Some were completely lame and could be easily shrugged off

Some peppy 8th grade girl would come in and talk about the great opportunity we all had to do community service by raking leaves and picking up trash in the parking lots.

Others were clubs and crap like that

But then one day the band guy came in.

And he was a salesman, a good one.

He made the magnificent world of music sound so appealing.

I had never ever thought about playing a musical instrument

Spent most of my life in athletic events, but like I said I was growing out, not up.

I was a couple years younger than most of the guys in my grade

A lot of them were ahead of me physically and athletically

And the band teacher made my slight overbite sound like it was destiny for me to play alto sax

There I was sitting uncomfortably in a desk that was too small with my belly smashed against the front of the desk and my husky jeans tight around my quads but loose at the hips because I refused to wear belts

And I couldn't help but think

"WHAAT?? ME!?!?!? Playing alto sax!... Wow I could be a star"

I was so excited and couldn't wait to get home to buy my alto sax

Had Ebay been around in those days, I might have bought it that night.

I told my Mom how excited I was to play it on the way home.

She was supportive.

And then I went to sleep that night just thinking about wearing a band uniform, playing the alto sax and rocking out.

Then I went to sleep, woke up, chuckled to myself how I almost fell into the hands of the salesman and never thought about the alto sax again

67

There is an age

and I wanna say it is 67

Where going to the Dr. becomes an all day thing

Been talking to lots of old people at work

For medicaire surveys and stuff

THey say stuff like,

"I could do it on Thursday, but I can't on Friday because i'm going to the Dr. on Friday"

so i'll say something like

"Well could you do the phone interview in the evening on Friday, or in the morning before you go to the Doc"

They come back at me

"I told you I'm going to the Dr on Friday, I can't do anything else"

And that's awesome that one thing will take up that much time

Think about all the prep work,

They have like 3 maybe 4 minutes with the doc and they have to rehearse all week what they are gonna say and all of their problems with every single medication, and what hurts, and how bad.

And what they will wear

What they will eat before

How they will get there and home

Gotta pick up the new meds at the pharmacy on the way home

And then gotta call all their friends and family the night of to let them know about their new conditions and their current health

I dunno about you, but that sounds like a blast

I can't wait to grow old

High school Homies

Like most high school kids, John Paul had no idea what he wanted to do with his life

And to be perfectly honest, he hadn't put much thought to it

He was just kinda content going through the motions and doing what they told him

Geometry, English, Spanish, Art, Lacrosse practice, and guitar lessons

He just showed up to everything when they told him to

He studied the night before for the ACT, he daydreamed in class, and coasted through the public school system.

It was his junior year and John had an English teacher that was making them read poetry every day.

He didn't much like it, and certainly didn't appreciate it until he started reading a guy named Paul Beatty.

It wasn't that same old flowery crap about a warm summer's day and the brisk wind that whisps you away to the stoney brook across from who gives a shit what it was across from, it was some fictitious bullshit is what John Paul was thinking as he read

But this Beatty guy, his shit smacked you in the face

For the first time, John Paul laughed in English class

These poems made John Paul think, laugh, and wonder what he would write about if he were to ever write a poem

And John Paul kept on thinking about those poems from English to Spanish and from Spanish to Art, and then in geometry.

John Paul chuckled to himself as his teacher Mrs. Jenkins, used her back of her black sports blazer as the eraser for all of her handcrafted geometric drawings, as she was trying to explain some junk about transverse planes.

John Paul sat in there contemplating where he wanted to college, what girl he wanted to take to prom, and what he would write about if he ever did poetry.

He had been a popular guy all throughout high school and had plenty of options for the prom.

He could choose between 3 different colleges for a full lacrosse scholarship.

But this time, the decision was his to make.

Nobody was telling him where to be, what to bring, and what time to be there.

This wasn't high school practice, a guitar lesson paid for by his parents.

He was embarking on the first real decision of his life and had no idea what do do.

So he looked at the geometry worksheet and realized he knew everything that was listed on the sheet and decided to write his first poem.

This is how it went.

.........................

They say to follow your heart and chase your dreams

But what do they say to do when your heart is tied down to two things, two places, and two beauties at the same time.

Can you say fuck it and flip a dime?

Can't afford to be flippin quarters when I've still got to go through the lunch line

Transverse this, Transverse that

Whatta bunch of crap

I can plainly see

The place I want to be

Which I like to call Transverse Plane C

But if I relocate

I'll be without a shorty with whom I want to be

Who currently resides in Transverse Plane D

And if I'd really been prepared

I would have come with a plan B

But Coach Davies told me that straight C's will get me my degree

So Transverse Plane C is where I think I will B

And I think I'll leave it at that
..........................................................................

Scwoogie

I knew a guy who went by the name Rondell

Worked with him actually

He drove a Mercury Cougar, but you would have thought it was a Porsche by the way he talked about

"0 to 60 like you wouldn't believe... shit that thing's got pickup"

And he played baseball like it was life or death.

"You know I played ball back at Tech when I was in college"

he would say....

"I played pitcher til I threw my arm out and they moved me to short cause I was the best athlete on the team... Used to play with Rob over there... He was a hellova pitcher... He got called up to the bigs and played some games with Red Sox... Ask him about it.. He'll tell ya"

The guy made me enjoy going to work.

Stories, exaggerations, bullshit, and a first class mullet.. the guy had it all.

And he thought I was a cool guy and wanted to hook me up with his daughter.

"Yeah she's a pretty wild girl. But I think you could handle her. She's built though. You know, she kinda reminds me of Jenna Jameson. I think you could have fun with her"

Dude for real compared his daughter to Jenna Jameson

And then he brought his daughter to work a week later and tried to set us up.

I was 16.

She was 21.

With huge knockers

And an even bigger stomach

No Dice Rondell, but thanks anyway